Living Relational Bridges
Bridging ourselves and each other into relational adulthood
One of the lovely effects of bringing work into the world that resonates with a growing sphere of people is the increasing amounts of requests I receive from people out of the blue or whom only have a fledgling relationship with.
I love receiving these kinds of requests. Most of them are breadcrumbs that I happily follow into new connections, new relationships, and new opportunities, as well as leading me to work and projects and ideas that aren't already on my radar. I love, also, how that requesting can become a living relational bridge.
Often, I can and want to say yes to the request. At times, I say no.
There are various reasons for a no. If it’s a request for my time and attention, I’ll say no if I’m in a physical flair-up and I’m having to compact my time and attention to my most important pre-existing commitments so that I can physically rest while bringing the best of myself to these commitments. Sometimes I say no because it’s a clear and immediate gut response no, and I always listen to those with full trust. Or, if it’s a request to reduce the cost of a work offering, I’ll say no because to do so would leave me financially depleted and undervalued.
I mostly respond to these requests with a reason why its a no, such as I cannot jump on a call with you in the immediate future because I’m in the midst of a health flair-up and I need to focus my capacity on my main commitments. If I can, and want to, I’ll offer an alternative, such as I cannot reduce the cost of this offering but I can offer you a payment plan if that would make it more accessible for you.
What’s been surprising to me is that when I say no to a request from someone who is approaching me out of the blue or who I only have a fledgling relationship with, I often never hear from them again. I find this surprising and disappointing. Surprising because it happens repeatedly. Disappointing because, instead of the situation bridging us into relationship, we now have a void between us.
Because of this recurring lack of response, I’m often thinking about the importance of clear and owned requests - how we make a request and how we act when we receive the response to our request - for relational adulthood.
On investigation, I find that making requests has three steps:
Checking in with ourselves to make sure we’re not about to make a stealth request. Often this means checking that it’s not actually an unagreed-to expectation along the lines of I deserve this/I have the right to this or a demand along the lines of I’m going to make it clear that I believe that you should give me this disguised as a request.1
Acknowledging that we’re making a request. This acknowledgement signals to the other person that we know we are asking something that they don’t owe us and we don’t hold expectations or demands that they fulfil our request.
Taking ownership of our internal response and choosing to have this experience bring us closer to each other. This can look like noticing if there is resentment or disappointment if we receive a no or an alternative offer and choosing to be in close relationship with that feeling or experience while we take ownership of our behaviour when feeling our feelings.2 It can also look like thanking the other person for hearing our request, considering it, and responding to it.
The Bowl in the Kitchen Where the Keys Should Live
Moving towards relational adulthood has been, for me, one of the toughest parts of adulthood.3 Learning how to make requests and taking ownership of my experience, feelings, and behaviour if I receive a no has been central to that adulting, and it’s not easy.
Take W and I and the bowl in the kitchen where the keys should live. I know, deep down, that there is no place that the keys should live. I know that I have no right to expect W to put the keys in the bowl in the kitchen where the keys should live, but I do have the right to make a request. After all, there’s just the bowl in the kitchen that I would like the keys to live because it makes such obvious sense that they should live there.4
In every relationship, from work relationships to group relationships, from our most intimate relationships to approaching someone we’ve not yet met, making clear and owned requests becomes a living relational bridge, bringing us closer to ourselves and to each other.
This living relational bridge helps us move into relational adulthood through examining and owning what we want from others as well as what is a clear yes in offering. It helps us face unagreed-to expectations and demands that we have of others, while requiring us to take ownership of our hopes, needs, and desires as our hopes, needs, and desires. It acknowledges that we have no right to demand or expect anything of anyone else (unless agreed, or they hold a role that has agreed expectations attached) and helps us move from dehumanising each other through reducing other people to a role or position in our life that fulfils our needs, hopes, and/or desires to really seeing, honouring, and loving each other as autonomous human beings. It also helps us notice the times we say yes to someone else’s request and then harbour resentments towards them because it was actually a no.
It’s easy to stay in relationship when another is saying yes to our request. To feel gratitude or excitement or love towards another because they’ve given us what we hoped, needed, and/or desired. It’s much harder to stay in relationship when another is saying no. When we have to sit with and own our disappointment, frustration, perhaps even a flash of hatred.
It would mean a lot to me if I was to receive an acknowledgement of my right to say no to a request from someone that is approaching me out of the blue or where we only have a fledgling relationship, as well as an acknowledgment that I’d taken time to consider and reply to their request, especially when offering an alternative. It would have brought us closer because they’d be signalling a desire to be in relationship with me. Instead, the silence creates relational distance between us, a distance that I don’t have any pull to bridge.
I notice the times that there is resentment, disappointment, expectations creating voids for me with others when my request isn’t fulfilled. The times that I have not seen another beyond my needs, hopes, and desires; worse, dehumanising them in the process. The times I still do. The times that I do not build living relational bridges but instead create voids that others have no pull to bridge.
As Yoda would wisely say: Right place for keys, there is not. Right way for relationship, there is.
It might even look like bringing the noticing of a stealth request about to be made into the relationship, something like I just realised that I have a belief that I have the right to demand that you…
One way to utilise the experience or feeling to bring us closer to the other might be to share our experience or feeling with the other person. However, if we choose to do this, we need to check if we’re sharing from ownership of our experience or feeling, or sharing to make them feel bad.
On par with facing up to the truth that the internal voice whispering that I deserve just one more spoonful of dessert or piece of chocolate isn’t always on my side.
I’m sure you can imagine how my world is rocked on the occasions I’ve come into the house and left the keys in a place that was most definitely not in the bowl in the kitchen.
You make such an important point here about checking ourselves when we make requests, to ensure we are not - in fact - harboring expectations, and to acknowledge that a request means the answer may also be "No". While it may be the case that those you do not hear back from are simply stealth demanders, I suspect what also may be happening is that this person has revealed a vulnerability to you, and that hearing No without recognition of that vulnerability is door-closing. Requests are bids for connection, and need to be built both ways. If you would like to hear back from them, or stay in connection, could you perhaps let them know that or share your request as well? Money creates static in human connection, so it's good to acknowledge that, even when we cannot change our decision because we do need the financial contribution. Just a thought.